“Take 1 capsule 1 to 3 times daily.”

I miss great sex.

Not good sex. Not okay sex. I mean hot, sweaty, ass-slapping, lip-nibbling, leaving-footsteps-on-the-wall, back-scratching, loud as hell, “what’s my motherfucking name?” type sex. It’s been longer than I can remember since I’ve had that — we’re talking well before the pandemic — and now that the seasons are switching from summer to fall, the distant memories of fucks gone by are resurfacing with alarming clarity.

That not to say I haven’t been getting it in, but casual sex during this time is even riskier than ever. And what’s worse, men I’ve encountered are at peak horniness due to the lockdowns and quarantining. Just look at Twitter. There’s a whole not-so-hidden underbelly of The Bird that is filled with homemade videos of all kinds of sex acts (most for sale on OnlyFans, which really should be its own separate post). Who needs to shell out cash for Grindr or Scruff subscriptions when you’ve got equal access to pretty much whatever you’re looking for sexually for free?

Speaking of #theapps, the pandemic has not stopped the constant onslaught of sex on these platforms. Men are either looking to fuck, get fucked, or they’re shaming others for wanting to fuck or get fucked. Don’t get me started on how angry so many dudes appear on #theapps.

Maybe they would be nicer if they were getting laid more?

As nice as it’s been to remember my past sexcapades, I just haven’t been interested in sex at all since this pandemic started taking hold here. A blowjob here and there would be nice to take the edge off, but I think I’m getting desensitized to the real thing because I’m bombarded with all this sex on social media and #theapps. Being that hypersexual right from the start is a huge turn-off, even if I am in the mood.

I will say this: the time I’ve spent with myself during this quarantine has made me realize how much I miss intimacy. Cuddling, making out, spooning…I miss that shit something serious. Some of my fondest moments with men have been those kind of tender experiences. Times when we can let our guards down and be soft with each other without judgment or shame.

Man, what I wouldn’t give right now to just lay up with a dude and chat with him, nuzzle close to him, and just share a quiet moment with amidst all this COVID-19 nonsense. That would get my motor running. 

Where’s the app or the OnlyFans account for that? 😩

Dating Sex

“Every decision is a risk. Every risk is a decision.”

I read this piece on FiveThirtyEight a few days back about the coronavirus, and this part jumped out at me:

We can’t live like we did before coronavirus. We won’t live like we did immediately after it appeared, either. Instead, we’re in the muddy middle, faced with choices that seem at once crucial and impossible, simple and massively complicated. These choices are an everyday occurrence, but they also carry a moral weight that makes them feel different than picking a pasta sauce or a pair of shoes. In a pandemic that’s been filled with unanswerable questions and unwinnable wars, this is our daily Kobayashi Maru. And no one can tell us exactly what we ought to do.

All you have to do is turn on the news or pop on over to Instagram and you can see that scores of people are just going on about life and traveling and socializing and fucking like the virus just doesn’t even exist. And if you’ve been one of the people who are staying inside, fastidiously cleaning surfaces and delivery orders, and just keeping to yourself, seeing these folks just being out and living freely can stir up a number of feelings. Jealousy over not being able to do what they’re doing. Disgust at them cavorting about unmasked and not practicing social distancing. Anger because you know this will just fuel lawmakers to cause more lockdowns or restrictions. Confusion as to how anyone can still go about life after a virus has killed 150,000 Americans over the past six months.

For me, it’s been a mix of all of these things, which — surprisingly enough — make GREAT filters for weeding out dudes that I encounter on #theapps.

Even GQ believes me:

Talking about health and boundaries in the beginning stages of courtship may seem counterproductive to the sexy vibes you’re no doubt trying to manifest. But since it affects literally everyone, it’s far more inconsiderate not to acknowledge it.

So while I’ve been sitting at home self-quarantining, every time I chat it up with some random dude, I’m sizing them up based on how serious they’re taking this virus. And this far into the pandemic, it’s not looking good. I start tamping down my anger when they say they’re still hitting the bars. I keep my mouth shut when they say they’re not wearing a mask. A younger, brasher me would have went off, but the seasoned ol’ badger you see before you just plays it cool and blocks them as the conversation drifts to nowhere.

But I realize that I’m in a very privileged position. I can work from home. My work doesn’t even require me to leave my home. I’m good financially during this time. I have no kids. I’m single. I live alone. I can make my own schedule. My friends and I are keeping in contact responsibly via technology and not in person. Maybe that combination of factors isn’t likely the same for anyone else I’m encountering on #theapps. Or maybe I’m using the wrong app? (Who the hell knows these days. Even LinkedIn is a hookup app.)

I probably shouldn’t even be on #theapps, but look what the boredom of this self-quarantine is driving me to do. Blergh.