“I’m the old bitch at the club now.”

I haven’t dated much in my 30s. Mainly this is because I focused on work and building my career, which made ignoring my love life simple. But now I’m just a few months out from 40 and still in the house thanks to this pandemic, and I gotta tell you folks…I’m ready for the real thing.

I think.

This topic, among many others, came up in a recent conversation with my best friend from college Twin. I’ve been checking in with him and his family during all this — the wife and kids are holding up well, thankfully — so now we just get on the phone and guess what life is going to look like on the other side of COVID-19. And in every conversation we’ve had, we always end up talking about my love life, because I guess married life with a wife, two kids, a steady job and a house in the suburbs during a global health pandemic still means living vicariously through the lives of your single friends. 

I talked about an awkward Zoom date I had a few months ago with a guy that didn’t go anywhere after that because he mainly was just trying to find a quarantine fuckbuddy. I told Twin how I’m striking out on #theapps in general, but I also said that it feels weird to be actively looking for potential dates during a time when we’re not supposed to be meeting and socializing with random people due to the risk of coronavirus transmission. He started asking what kind of guys I like, and when I finished, he said something that threw me for a loop.

“You know Karsh…maybe you should try dating an older man. See what that’s like.”

“I date older men!” I retorted…only to realize I hadn’t actively dated an older man since I was in my late 20s.

All my exes from my relationships in my 20s have been a few years older than me, but in my 30s, my dating pool of eligibles has skewed considerably younger. Tall Mormon, the professor I hooked up with over the course of five years? Five years younger than me. That Dominican kid RDM with the fat ass and the commitment issues? Ten years younger than me. Sunny Day, that Chinese animation student I fucked last summer? 25 to my then 38. God…and then there was that pizza delivery boy Dark Raincloud I was fucking for a hot minute in the summer of 2017. He was 20. TWENTY. I usually draw the line at a general ±7 years my current age, but that one was an extreme outlier.

Look, I know young guys tend to go for the whole “daddy factor” these days, and that’s hot in a sexual power exchange kinda way. But outside the bedroom, I ain’t ya damn daddy. I’m not opposed to older men, but in general they have never been checking for me. Matter of fact, a lot of the old heads around here tend to be more set in their ways, so there’s not a lot of exploration or discovery or flexibility with what they do or what they like, or what they’re willing to do. I tend to find those qualities mostly in younger men.

Conversely, older men I’ve been attracted to have generally treated me like a child. I enjoy video games and anime and comics, but when I mention that to an older man, I always get some response about them not being into “kiddie stuff”. If I disagree about a topic or viewpoint with them, suddenly I’m “having a tantrum”. On top of this, I look a lot younger than my actual age and don’t have much facial hair, so some older men think I’m lying about my age anyway when I tell them! That’s a nice little added bonus, I guess.

I recently signed back up for OKCupid in an attempt to wean myself off the sex-crazed mania on #theapps and put myself in a space that might be more conducive for meeting someone on a more platonic level first. Now all I have to do is answer like 500 personality questions and see who the algorithm chooses.

It’s not like I’ve got anything else happening right now, so here we go.

By karsh

I'm what Willis was talkin' about.